Category Archives: Letter’s To Keep

I love to write. My mom and grandmother both used to write letters to me and I still have them to cherish today. I want to have letters for my kids to be able to read someday, but my handwriting could be on a prescription pad. Therefore, these are my thoughts, my inspirations, my letter’s to keep…

Six Years Without My Mom

I sit here writing this blog post just as I do every year on the anniversary of my mom’s death. I sit here and I still feel the same. I still remember the exact events of this day six years ago. The phone call to rush to the hospital, the drive there that felt like it would never end. Then sitting by her side talking to her. Loving her. Holding her hand with no response at all.

I had nightmares for the longest time after that day. I had nightmares and I grew more and more sad over the fact that I remembered those horrible last few moments better than I remembered anything else.

As time went on… the memories came back and the nightmares faded and now I sit here and I remember things like the time when my brother and I were kids and my mom took us to see the Christmas lights in Broad Street Park then we went and got Happy Meals at McDonald’s. I remember going home and sitting on the living room floor eating my happy meal, looking at my mom and our big Christmas tree all lit up with such joy. I even remember getting a Barbie Happy Meal toy. Crazy huh? The things we remember…

Then I remember the time I met my Aunt Sally, Aunt Peg, and cousin Melanie for lunch in Keene with my mom and took this picture.

I love that picture. I remember my moms pink fluffy coat, her pink glasses, and if I remember correctly.. she even had pink shoes. I guess I know where I get my love for pink, right!?

Then I remember the time my mom took me shopping for my first prom dress. I think this is one of my most favorite and precious memories I have with my mom. I remember how excited she was and I remember seeing the first dress on the mannequin walking by a boutique and we both knew that was the one. Guess what color it was? Yep, pink.

I wish I had that same memory shopping for my wedding dress….

Then I look at Landyn and Lavery. Seeing Lavery sometimes takes my breath away, because she looks so much like my mom. I look at her and see my mom everyday and I honestly believe sometimes it’s her coming back in Lavery. She has her smile and when she smiles and I think of my mom, I would do anything for her to be here to see it too.

Landyn prays for his nana and it makes my heart melt, because I know she would be loving this. She would be soaking this up. I try not to feel angry that she’s not here, but sometimes it’s so hard not to. Six years of these feelings that only seem to be enhanced with time. The memories are still there, but over time they really do feel farther and farther away.

I know it might seem kind of strange to write about this every year when her birthday or anniversary of her death comes around, but my mom and my grandmother did a lot of writing. They are some of my most cherished things and writing helps me get through these really hard days, because even though the nightmares; those bad memories of this day have started to drift away, they’re still always there in the back of my mind and I need to remind myself of the happy memories and the happy times we had, because I know I need to hang onto those to share with Landyn and Lavery as they get older. I want them to know how special their nana was and how blessed I was to call her my mom.

I remember the first Christmas after my mom passed away, my cousins gave me a book called Motherless Daughters.  To this day, I still haven’t had enough strength to make it through the whole thing.

Six years as a motherless daughter and I’m still missing you like crazy. I know my mom is singing this above.

“I am leaving you with a gift — peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27

Happy 1st Birthday Lavery Elizabeth!

On July 1, 2011 at 8:55am I set eyes on my beautiful daughter for the first time. Today, she is a whole year old and I absolutely cannot believe it!

We have watched her grow in the last year and there has been no greater joy (aside from watching our little man grow up) in my life. She is my sweet little angel and I am so blessed and thankful God gave me you Lavery Elizabeth.

Smash cake photo taken by the lovely and talented FireWife Photography!

 

More later along with some birthday party pictures! WE LOVE YOU LAVERY!!!!

Five

Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren’t you
anymore?

If you were suddenly gone, how would your world react?

Whatever you imagined is wrong. There’s nothing romantic about death.


Grief is like the Ocean. It’s deep and Dark and bigger than all of us.

And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair.


Diminished by time and faith and love.

-Haley from One Tree Hill

Dear Mom,

Five. Five years. That’s how long it’s been without you. Five years where I got married, moved to North Carolina, graduated college, had a baby, had another baby, and dreamed of doing it all with you. Dreamed you were there to help me pick out my wedding dress, to take the photo of me in my cap and gown everyone does with their parents, you would be on the other end of the phone listening to me cry at 3am when the baby wouldn’t sleep, you would be there with me getting me ready for the birth of my children. Dreams that I never got to live. Dreams that I’ll never get to live. Dreams that I pray my daughter will live with me.

Five years of life without you has been full of wonderful memories, but all with one little piece missing I never envisioned would be missing in my life. You. You are that one little piece that is never there. That one piece that would make all of these wonderful things complete.

I still have nightmares of this day five years ago. I still remember the phone call from Aunt Sally at 6am telling me to get to the hospital right away. I still remember watching you lay beside me and knowing in my head, today was the day. I hate that everything about that day is so fresh in mind, yet Christmas mornings or family outings feel so far away. Why is it every tiny little detail about the this day five years ago haunts me along with the day you told me you had cancer, or the times you would be so sick from treatments, but all of the happy memories feel like distant memories with only a small bit of detail left?

It hasn’t gotten any easier. Five years has only made things more difficult as we welcome Landyn into the world and then Lavery. It hasn’t made losing you any easier, but harder to know that you would be so proud. I still read the letters you wrote me sometimes and thank God everyday I have those, because then I can share them with Landyn and Lavery someday. I wish I had the chance to tell you how thankful I am for you to have done that, because those letters are now some of my most cherished possessions.

Five years. 1,825 days…….

                                  …….. and I’m still missing you.

What’s Important

Last week, a member of our TMN local chapter Charlotte Mommies and owner of a local business Ivy’s Diaper Service was killed in a car accident. She was carrying her second baby girl and leaves behind a grieving husband and young toddler. I didn’t know Garrett or her family personally and have never been a customer of Ivy’s Diaper Service, but hearing her story and the outpouring of love and support from so many locals makes me really look at my life and think twice about some of the things that sometimes upset or stress me out.

It has made me look at my two beautiful and healthy children and wonderful husband and really feel in my heart what’s important. It’s so easy to get caught up in life and finances, jobs, school, all of our daily activities. It’s so easy to forget to feel blessed when we have food on the table and tuck our babies in at night. It’s so easy to get lost in the moment and sulk over things that mean nothing and complain about things that some people would feel lucky to have.

Hearing the loss that this husband and daughter are going through makes me think about what life would be like if I were to lose Kyle. What would my life be without the people I love and care about? Thinking about this, makes me look up to God and close my eyes and pray for what I’ve been given and pray for this mother who will not live to watch her babies grow. I know what it’s like to lose a mother. I know the pain and grief I felt and continue to feel everyday when she isn’t here with me now. I grieve for her daughter and knowing she will experience the grief for the rest of her life and I feel blessed that I had my mother for as long as I did.

Hearing about a loss like this really has made me reflect on my own and what I have rather than think about what I don’t. I have some amazing friends and family surrounding me and my beautiful children and I am truly blessed and I will continue to thank God everyday for the life that he has given me.

My friend Ashley (owner of Miss Monkey’s Boutique) has set up a Memorial Fund to help Ivy and Mike (the husband and daughter of Garrett.) If you would like to contribue, 100% of all proceeds will go to her family, you can donate here.

Tuck your kids in tonight. Kiss them. Hug them. Tell them you love them. And be thankful and say a prayer for Garrett, Mike, Ivy, and their unborn baby Rosie.

“Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love.” 1 Corinthians 16:13

This Mother’s Day….

Mother’s Day is always so bittersweet. I had a few rough years after my mom passed away and before LC was born, and now that he is here, I want to celebrate being a mother to him, but I’m missing mine ten times as much. Every year when Mother’s Day, birthday’s, or any special occasion comes around, it’s always hard to go through one more of those special days without my mom beside me, but Mother’s Day is so much more difficult, because I should be celebrating motherhood with my mom. She should be here to celebrate this journey and this amazing gift with me, and it still pains my heart more than anything else to know she’s not.

It’s the deepest pain to be raising LC and see him grow knowing she would want more than anything to experience this. She would want more than anything else to hold him and kiss him and be here with me through this pregnancy and do the same for this baby girl. Now that I am carrying our daughter, it kind of stabs even harder, because she is the next generation of us. I sometimes fear I won’t be there for her like my mom isn’t here right now and it makes me dream all over again and wonder what it would be like, how different motherhood would be to be sharing it with my mom.

I am blessed to have some amazing people in my life though and I am so thankful for that. My aunt has been that support system for me my mom would have been and whenever I have a question or anything that I would go to my mom for, I know I can turn to her. I wish I could pick up the phone and tell my mom about LC’s newest word or phrase, or talk about the potty training journey, or my pregnancy, but I am blessed to have an aunt who is so special and caring to be that person for me during this time when I need it most.

Now that I’m a mother, I strive to be that strong support system for LC and this baby in my belly and to be the kind of a mother my mom was to me. Always understanding, strict when I needed rules, and loving. No one would do for me what she did for me growing up and for that, I will be forever thankful. It always makes me sad when I see people take advantage of their mother’s when I would give anything for mine to be back. I know now though what she sacrificed for me and my brother. I know what she felt when she would see me in pain and I know that makes me want to be that much better at my job now, being a mom.

On this Mother’s Day I think about my mom and I smile at her smiling down on me. I want to celebrate the special times I did get with her and share those memories with LC. I can’t wait for him and Lavery to grow and I can tell them stories about her, share with them some of the things she wrote to me, and show them pictures of her so they too, can see what a beautiful person she was. If she could be here today, I know she would be proud and she would be everything that she always was for me and more for my children.

I look at my smiling boy next to me and I look up to God and thank him everyday for what he has given me. This beautiful and healthy boy who runs up to me yelling “mama” with his arms wide open is the most amazing gift I could ever be given. My greatest accomplishment is this little boy and this little girl growing inside of me and I am blessed. I am blessed to have experienced growing up with such a wonderful mom to guide me into being who I am today and my only hope and I can only pray I raise my children in the same way.

On this Mother’s Day, I want to celebrate this gift that I have been given, and I hope all of the other’s mother’s out there will do the same.

 

Over the Rainbow

When I was pregnant with LC, I used to sing him “Somewhere over the Rainbow” all the time. I love that song! I grew up watching “The Wizard of Oz” and I always wished I could be just like Judy Garland.

Ever since my mom passed away and Kyle and I got married and we started our lives together, I think of her often and I wish she were here to be a part of these wonderful blessings in my life. Sometimes though, little things happen to remind me she is never too far away and is always in my heart.

At our wedding, during the time when the officiant was speaking of my mom and my cousin read the “Footprints” poem, a rainbow appeared over Kyle and I. That rainbow was a symbol that my mom was there that day and she wanted me to know that. I think of that often and it’s really rare I ever really notice a clear rainbow, so when I do, I like to think it’s my mom letting me know she’s there with me.

A few weeks ago, we spent a few days at the beach with my aunt and uncle. It was a little chilly and rainy the second day we were there and the clearest rainbow appeared. My aunt pointed it out and we all looked on at how beautiful it was. It disappeared and when my aunt and I started talking about the rainbow at our wedding, it wasn’t long before it reappeared in the sky!

It’s comforting to think of that rainbow as my mom. Especially now that LC is running around and how much I wish she could be a part of his life and with a new baby girl on the way, it’s comforting for me to think of her being able to still see him and watch him grow, even though she isn’t here with us.

As LC grows up, I look forward to tell him about my mom and I look forward to different milestones he will go through that my mom got to experience with me and my brother. I strive everyday to be as strong and special of a mother as I grew up and as much as I wish so badly she were here to guide me in that process, I know deep down, she truly is.

When I was pregnant with LC, I cried a lot over not being able to call her and ask her questions about my pregnancy or to find out what it was like for her when she was pregnant with me. This time, I feel a lot more at ease with it. While I still wish I could pick up the phone and ask her if certain things are normal or if she felt this way, I think growing a few years older has taught me to be more at peace with where she is now. My only hope is that one day, my children will feel and sense that same amount of love I always felt from her and know that I will always be by their side too.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

I thought time was supposed to heal…

I have had a really rough evening for many reasons (mostly just stress,) but I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom and crying so much, because of it. My heart feels so heavy and I feel so much pain missing her right now. When she died (4 years ago at the end of October,) everyone told me it would get easier with time. Everyone said it would always be hard, but with time it would hurt less. That is so far from the truth.  Right now, I hurt. I hurt more than I did the day I felt her slip away. I would give anything in the whole word for her to be here with me for one last moment in time. Anything.

So many people say they dont quite appreciate the things in their life until they’re gone. Well I did. My mom did so many great things for me and was always there. Always. No matter what. I would give anything for her to be here for me right now. To hold my hand. To tell me she loves me. To tell me all of the things I have missed hearing in the last four years. It doesn’t feel any better than it did than the day she died. Except it feels worse.

I wish I could close my eyes and things would be different, they would change. I wish I could close my eyes and be with her again. I wish she could be here and be here for Landyn. And for me. I would give anything for one last chance. One last moment to remember what it feels like to have her in my life.

If you wait for me then I’ll come for you
Although I’ve traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile
Then I’ll return to you
I’ll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I’ll find my way back to you
If you’ll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that’s warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

I Miss You,

 

Nicholas Sparks in Charlotte, NC!

With Kyle’s mom visiting from NH, our end of the summer trips to Myrtle Beach (and me, to FL..  BY MYSELF!) I have had literally no time to write! I have been itching to update all of my readers on the fun filled adventures in our lives recently and do some writing on some other important things to me, but I first wanted to share something fun we did yesterday.

I previously have blogged about how much of an inspiration Nicholas Sparks has been (even inspiring Landyn’s name!) Last year when we met him at his “Last Song” book tour, he was so friendly I couldn’t wait to go back this year for his “Safe Haven” book signing!

Of course, I had to take LC, so off we went to Barnes & Noble to see “THE” Nicholas Sparks! I am so excited to read “Safe Haven” and after a long day, it was so nice to go up and greet him and have him remember Landyn for our signing last year! He even commented on how much he’s grown! LC blew him a kiss, and we chatted for a few minutes while he signed my stack of books (get excited for some awesome Christmas gifts this year!! *wink wink*!)

So here is a photo (one of two, because LC was just in awe staring at him, we had to try for another where he was looking at the camera!) Landyn Carter meets Nicholas Sparks… again! It really is so amazing for me to meet such an inspiring person and great author. I love to write and everyone knows how much I love celebrities, so this is such a fun experience for me as a writer AND as a fan!

With Love,

Starting something new

So I am in the process of the design of this whole thing and this new venture is finally starting to come together! If you’re new to reading my Blog or you don’t know me personally, feel free to check out the “About Kelley” section to learn a little more about me! The other new addition to my Blog as I am working towards completion is the “My Inspiration” page.

There, you will be able to read a little bit about how “Forever’s Like a Dream” came into play. My life has inspired my dream’s to come true. At this page you will also get to see the little video I made to show you a little bit of what has inspired me and my life as a mom, so I hope you enjoy!

Please keep coming back as the design is completed and more is added so I can share my inspirations and hopefully inspire you too!

Thank you for stopping by!

Footprints

This is my favorite poem of all time. It’s no secret I’ve been through some tough times in my life. I have lost some very important inspirational people who I loved very much. Each time I had to say goodbye, I looked to this poem for guidance. At my mother’s funeral. I quoted this poem. Looking back at my experience, I realize I have made my own footprints and learned from others who have left a mark in my path.
Writing is an outlet for me. Writing is something I love to do, and I have been inspired from the beautiful words of my mother and my grandmother. I remember being a little girl, and me meme taking me into work with her and teaching me how to type on a typewriter. I remember getting letters from my mom often, and I used to wonder why she would do this? Why is she writing me these letters and giving them to me when she is right here? Now, I couldn’t be more blessed to have those letters to inspire me. I have gotten my gift of writing from two important and inspirational people in my life who I was blessed to be able to be loved by.
Now, I want to mark footprints for Landyn. I want to pave a path of greatness for him so he can look back and remember the first time I took him to do something that inspired something in his life. I want to write for him and give him beautiful words of inspiration and encouragement that I was given. He is my inspiration, and I want to be his.
My favorite quote in this poem is this
“The times when you have seen only one set footprints, is when I carried you.”

I can pinpoint the exact times in my life when I needed to be carried. Then I can look back and appreciate all of the times when my mother carried me. When she was my strength and she formed me into the mother I am now. I look back and I am not only inspired by Landyn and what he is doing for me now, but I am also inspired by the amazing women who were in my life and the amounts of love and goodness they put into my heart. I am thankful for the strong women who were a part of my life and I am inspired to be that same kind of a woman now.

I have footprints, experiences in my past that I can look back on and be proud of. I had amazing people pave the way for me and create marks for who I would become, and I had to be carried through them at times to prove how strong I am and how much people love me. The footprints I am laying down now are the most important and most precious ones of my life; the footprints of motherhood. I will walk beside Landyn and pave the way for him just like it was paved for me, and I will forever be grateful and blessed for what I have been given.

Here are mine and Landyn’s footprints in the sand….

Blessings,