I sit here writing this blog post just as I do every year on the anniversary of my mom’s death. I sit here and I still feel the same. I still remember the exact events of this day six years ago. The phone call to rush to the hospital, the drive there that felt like it would never end. Then sitting by her side talking to her. Loving her. Holding her hand with no response at all.
I had nightmares for the longest time after that day. I had nightmares and I grew more and more sad over the fact that I remembered those horrible last few moments better than I remembered anything else.
As time went on… the memories came back and the nightmares faded and now I sit here and I remember things like the time when my brother and I were kids and my mom took us to see the Christmas lights in Broad Street Park then we went and got Happy Meals at McDonald’s. I remember going home and sitting on the living room floor eating my happy meal, looking at my mom and our big Christmas tree all lit up with such joy. I even remember getting a Barbie Happy Meal toy. Crazy huh? The things we remember…
Then I remember the time I met my Aunt Sally, Aunt Peg, and cousin Melanie for lunch in Keene with my mom and took this picture.
I love that picture. I remember my moms pink fluffy coat, her pink glasses, and if I remember correctly.. she even had pink shoes. I guess I know where I get my love for pink, right!?
Then I remember the time my mom took me shopping for my first prom dress. I think this is one of my most favorite and precious memories I have with my mom. I remember how excited she was and I remember seeing the first dress on the mannequin walking by a boutique and we both knew that was the one. Guess what color it was? Yep, pink.
I wish I had that same memory shopping for my wedding dress….
Then I look at Landyn and Lavery. Seeing Lavery sometimes takes my breath away, because she looks so much like my mom. I look at her and see my mom everyday and I honestly believe sometimes it’s her coming back in Lavery. She has her smile and when she smiles and I think of my mom, I would do anything for her to be here to see it too.
Landyn prays for his nana and it makes my heart melt, because I know she would be loving this. She would be soaking this up. I try not to feel angry that she’s not here, but sometimes it’s so hard not to. Six years of these feelings that only seem to be enhanced with time. The memories are still there, but over time they really do feel farther and farther away.
I know it might seem kind of strange to write about this every year when her birthday or anniversary of her death comes around, but my mom and my grandmother did a lot of writing. They are some of my most cherished things and writing helps me get through these really hard days, because even though the nightmares; those bad memories of this day have started to drift away, they’re still always there in the back of my mind and I need to remind myself of the happy memories and the happy times we had, because I know I need to hang onto those to share with Landyn and Lavery as they get older. I want them to know how special their nana was and how blessed I was to call her my mom.
I remember the first Christmas after my mom passed away, my cousins gave me a book called Motherless Daughters. To this day, I still haven’t had enough strength to make it through the whole thing.
Six years as a motherless daughter and I’m still missing you like crazy. I know my mom is singing this above.
“I am leaving you with a gift — peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27