The Guilt….

Being pregnant for the second time is no piece of cake. For starters, there’s NOTHING the same about this pregnancy from my first, so I feel like I’m all new to this already, but when people used to tell me how guilty they felt for their other children when bringing another baby into the world, I never believed them…… until now.

This feeling of guilt for LC and how we are taking the spotlight away from him is killing my heart. He’s my baby. I remember right after he was born, I looked at his beautiful, sleeping eyes and then I looked at Kyle and said “I never want anymore kids. I can never imagine loving another human being as much as I love this one right here.” And after growing up wanting four plus children, my decision in that instant was made. LC was made to be loved by me and no one else. He was my one and only baby and I didn’t want anything else.

….. Then he grew¬†a little older and although that love was still the same, my feelings changes about wanting more kids. We went back and forth and talked about it for a while. Friends got pregnant, babies were everywhere. I knew at that point (once LC was a little older than one) that I would want more kids, and I remember hearing the stories of parent’s feeling so guilty and I just kept telling myself bringing another baby into the world would be so special for him. He would have someone to share things with growing up and another baby would be such a blessing.

Another baby is still a blessing. I thank God everyday for my family and we are thrilled to be bringing another baby into the world, but as I sit here… (and every day or night lately,) I am fighting back the tears crying for my baby…. my baby who’s life is about to change in a million ways. I have spent so much time crying thinking about my baby boy and how he is going to feel when we bring his baby sister home from the hospital and she never leaves.

I know he says “sissy” so much and talks to her in my belly and rubs her, and I know he doesn’t 100% understand the whole concept right now either, but he will be such a proud of terrific big brother. That doesn’t change how I feel. That doesn’t change how much I am going to miss the time with just him… snuggling him in his rocker after naps, snuggling with him in the mornings while he eats his breakfast in my lap, swimming in the pool, reading his favorite books. Those are all things you take for granted everyday, because it’s my life. My life is this boy and it has been the most amazing last few years of my life, but that is soon to all change.

I know I will love this baby girl just as much and have as many special moments, but it scares me so much to think I could be taking some of those moments away from LC. What if there isn’t enough of me to go around for them both? What if I lose those special one on one moments with LC and never get to feel them with this baby girl? These fears are starting to overcome me and as each day gets closer and closer to the arrival of this new baby girl, I’m worrying, stressing, and fearing how this change will affect LC and our family more and more.

I would say I’ve done a pretty good job not stressing out much throughout this pregnancy, but now that the end is near….. it’s really taking a toll. My emotions have been filling my head with this huge feeling of guilt and hope that LC doesn’t hate me or think I’m ruining his life. I look at him now and I feel such an abundance of love that I never want to take away or him to ever not feel. I love this precious being more than words could ever describe and I hope he knows that always and forever.

I hope his sister knows that too. I hope she knows that even though I’m feeling the way that I am right now and I have an indescribable amount of love for her brother, I have the same for her. I just know right now, LC needs me and he needs my attention and I want him to always be able to have that. I want them both to always be able to have that and I pray God helps me through this transition and he guides our family on the path of where we need to be…. together.

I want you to know Landyn Carter… you are my baby. You will always be my baby and no matter where life takes us or who comes and goes in our life, the feeling I have for you will never change. Being a mother is the greatest gift I could have ever been given and you… and your sister growing inside of me are the best part of me and by far my most treasured and greatest accomplishment in life.

I sit here writing these words… putting how I feel into this post, and I cry, because I am blessed with the most amazing life with you and I never want you to feel anything less than the love and joy you have brought into my life.

5 Responses to The Guilt….

  1. Oh Kelley, you are right that every Mom of more than one kid feels that guilt. When I was pregnant with Jaxson, Savannah clearly worried about the same thing and would say, “But you wont love me anymore!” when we talked about Jaxson coming. But, I can tell you, you are stressing way beyond you need to be! It will all fall into place. Yes, it is an adjustment for everyone but you absolutely will get those special moments with LC everyday. It may be different or less than you or he is used to but you WILL get them (and make sure you do when the baby is sleeping, etc!). Lavery will get those special moments too, God absolutely will help you all through this transition! I’ve been there too and I can tell you that keeping close to God was and is how I get through my days and to best meet my kid’s needs. Keep clinging to Him! God doesn’t want you stressing and worrying about all this either, He will provide all you need if you just ask. Try to relax and enjoy these days with Lavery in your belly and treasure these moments with LC :-)

    Hugs, you are a great momma! Call if you need anything.

    • I’m so thankful for friends like you Leah to leave comments like this and for me to talk to and go to! You are a great mama too and I’m so thankful & blessed to have you in my life and so happy you’ve been around for this pregnancy!

  2. This poem helped me so much when I was having those same feelings.

    Hope it can help you as well!

    Loving Two

    I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

    Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as youve never shared me before.

    I hear you telling me in your own way, Please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I cant, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

    You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

    But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. Im afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you.

    But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

    More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

    But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

    I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I havent taken something from you, Ive given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you only differently.

    And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know youll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you .you each have your own supply.

    I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

    Author Unknown

  3. I just had my 2nd baby 3 weeks ago and I remember feeling the exact same way during my entire pregnancy. Moo was suppose to be my one and only but surprise surprise along came her brother JJ. I was completely worried at how she would react to him but as it turns out she loves him to pieces.

    I’ve learned to make one on one time with her when the baby sleeps. I make sure that I am constantly telling her how much I love her. We take her to the park and playdates. So, don’t feel guilty. Just make sure you find a way to balance your attention between the two so that LC isn’t left out.

  4. Pingback: Forever's Like A Dream » Snowcones, The Bruins, & S’Mores

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